Her Sanctuary, Her Space

the lightness of being

2012-01-26T22:24:00.001-08:00

Keep still, my heart, and learn to stay calm but not numb when placed in a circumstance you thought you could never handle.

Be silent, my mouth, and try not to utter useless and hurtful words so as not to hear the same. It is a tug-of-war... without end.

Be calm, my thoughts, and never allow unnecessary and stupid ideas to enter into your very core because it will only make me want to return and stay in the dark.

Be strong, my self, because if you cannot be courageous, who will?

Everything may be broken but I do believe there is a chance to be whole again. Thus, I will continue to walk…

from whiner to winner

2012-01-22T01:02:00.000-08:00

This is one book that’s incredibly eerie in a sense that every chapter speaks about my insecurities, quandaries and fears; presenting the things I lack the most in my spiritual life. It even felt like the book was pen out of my past and dark experiences that eventually paved way to my wrong attitude and perceptions in life.

TRUST. Trust is something I do not have. Well, maybe at some point it existed but for some reason it evaporated to thin air. There was this time when I feel so close to Him; seeking His help and guidance even in times when I do not need any. During that time, I just needed to be close to Him because it felt good and there is this trust that He would never forsake me and He would never give me something that I could not handle. But I got lost and that trust was covered with heaps of misplaced beliefs and despondency.

WORRIES. In the absence of trust, worries are the things that had been pouring out of my heart for too long now. I am their minion because I have allowed them to take me to places that would give me temporary scars and permanent fear to go on with life. Worries became my oxygen; my life support. And even for the fact that it hasn’t done me any good, I continued to be their follower and be forever blinded with their dust of anguish.

MOTIVATION. Even with scarred emotions, there are also times that good and healthy ideas come to mind. The only problem is, I lack the drive to pursue those ideas and return to the attitude of being contented living in the shadows of fear and sorrow. Ideas may come in millions but because of this very weak motivation, my life remained in the wastebasket. I have loved and worshiped Him before. I wondered why I could not motivate myself to love and worship Him again.

SELFISHNESS. When problem arises, the first thing I’d do is point my finger to somebody whom I assumed caused me such pain and torment. Then a good friend (known to be a very brutally-frank brute) asked me if I, myself, have not contributed to such pain? Was it not self-inflicted after all? I was flabbergasted and it shut my mouth. I do not want to admit it but he made me realize that I was selfish all along; that all the anguish inside my heart was really self-inflicted. The realization shut my mouth further.

I haven't finished the book yet even though it only has 211 pages. I'm reading it every night which in a way helps me with my reflection. Eerie, but this book helps me realize the things I have been missing all along. What's more, I love the person who gave me this book. Love him like a kid brother I never had. Thanks, bro.

buhay

2012-01-22T00:43:00.000-08:00

Kanya-kanyang buhay…kanya-kanyang diskarte kung paano malampasan ang mga problemang hinaharap. Masarap mabuhay sa mundong ito pero hindi naman ganoon kadali ang lumaban sa mga hamon ng buhay lalong-lalo na kapag inaakala mo’y nag-iisa ka lamang. Bakit may mga taong mahirap tanggapin ang kabiguan? Bakit naman may ibang taong hindi naapektohan sa mga problema? Bakit may mga taong madaling tumulo ang luha kapag nasasaktan? Bakit naman may iba na dinadaan na lamang sa tawa?

Lahat ng tao dito sa mundo, bata man o matanda, mayaman man o mahirap, ay nagkakaroon ng problema. Wala ni isa sa atin ang hindi dumaan sa matinding pagsubok. Kaya kung inaakala mo na ikaw ay isang kawawang nilalang dahil tinambakan ka ng mga problema, mag-isip kang muli. Lahat ng tao dito sa mundo ay hindi perpekto. Ang buhay ay hindi rin perpekto. Binigyan tayo ng Diyos ng talino at lakas ng loob para lumaban sa mga hamon ng buhay. Minsan nga lang ay hindi natin ito ginagamit dahil mas pinili nating magkulong na lamang sa lungkot. Mali ‘yun. Maling mali.

Photography : Christine E. Isip

traces of you

2012-01-06T20:44:00.000-08:00

Traces of you still hang around my misty sphere and all I can do is stare to nothingness and wait. Wait for the time where I can swim out of this mad and murky world or maybe wait for that moment where I will realize I am way too lost in this ocean of darkness.

You walked away and you left me with only my flawed sanity to cling on to. All hopes are covered with fear, all dreams turned to nightmares and the bliss I felt eventually fades to dust to turn into solid sadness.

Whispering to me your goodbye is like seeing you throw away the flower I have given you. And yet, traces of you still linger...

Photography : Christine Isip

unstable 3

2012-01-06T20:36:00.001-08:00

The moment has arrived when I am left alone in the middle of such bittersweet madness. Many times I have imagined this scenario but the smiles and laughter that surround me not too long ago somehow made me assume that I would not be left single-handed.

But impossible can be possible, one said. As early as now, inch by inch, I am starting to feel the bitter taste of being chucked in this direction where losers and failures stride. And yet, for what it's worth, this madness...this bittersweet madness...has also given me pure joy.

Thanks for the company, tarsierpiggy.

not meant to be

2012-01-06T20:30:00.000-08:00

“Don’t push for something that is not meant to happen”

...simple words yet too complicated to even try to understand…easy to read yet too difficult to grasp and achieve…straightforward yet in reality, it’s full of twists and turns.

Sad thoughts go well with a sad face.

insanity

2012-01-06T20:15:00.000-08:00

Dreaming of dreamless dream,

humming an unfamiliar hymn.

Waking up in a dreadful realm,

with such quandaries that overwhelm.

What does make one forget

the too many fantasies one has set?

The inner beauty that one possessed,

has turned to sorrow one is obsessed.

One is never sure

how one has lost something so pure.

One is never certain

if one can find sanity once again.

Be one with the ridiculous,

the absurd and the viscous.

Stay in the realm of the unheard

and forever be this unseen and flightless bird.

Dream of dreamless dream,

hum an unfamiliar hymn.

Dance to the rhythm of delusions

and embrace those countless eerie visions.

alone and gloomy

2012-01-06T19:58:00.000-08:00

The once mighty and beautiful living being is still standing tall but it is now feeling empty and weak inside. Some of its minions have stayed but most of it took flight somewhere far. For the longest time, it stood alone looking so pitiful without its usual beauty. It may be standing tall but there are only those few who took the time to really look, observe and admire its remains.

But who would care about how it feels? Who would even be interested of how majestic it looked before some of its small branches and tiny leaves took leave? And who would even mind if those gray and gloomy skies up above has always been there to keep it company? Nobody even realized that the pitiful living being blended well with the gloomy sky; a picture-perfect for something so dismal and melancholic.

But then again, who would care how it feels? maybe there are some. Worst, there are none. It's grim to feel left-out but it's pathetic to feel alone.

Photography : Edrico Ratilla

obstacles

2012-01-01T01:48:00.000-08:00

Most of the time, obstacles are considered as something that hamper our dreams. If obstructions are seen on our path, we spend every minute of everyday whining and sulking without even realizing that its main purpose is to test our faith, dedication and motivation when trying to attain a certain goal. Obstacles should be considered as a challenge and never an enemy.

“The block of granite which was an obstacle in the pathway of the weak becomes a stepping-stone in the pathway of the strong.” – Thomas Carlyle, Scottish Historian and Essayist

Location : Brgy. Cabuaya, City of Mati, Davao Oriental
Photography : DENR-XI, PENRO Davao Oriental (copied from Rogelio Renegado Lerio's album in Facebook)

monochromatic universe

2011-12-30T22:49:00.000-08:00

Someone is giving you a rose but you feel neither appreciation nor happiness. Its rich color is nothing compared to your sad monochromatic universe…

scene at the beach

2011-12-30T22:34:00.001-08:00

They were standing next to each other but neither was talking. He wanted to really feel the wind caressing his face but he was incredibly numb all over. He wanted to appreciate the ocean and its raging waves but it felt like he has seen nothing; temporarily blinded with his numbness. She wanted to run freely to feel the coolness of the sand on her feet but she just could not seem to find the strength to do so. The waves were like inviting her to feel its chilly waters but she has no interest to be in touch with nature.

From afar, someone was calling someone’s name. Both knew the meaning of that call. Their time – their most precious time – has come to an end. They have to let go of the one dream their friendship has inevitably built through the years. They both wanted that dream but they knew it was not yet the right time. They have hoped for that right time to come but everything was uncertain. They have to let go for now.

He sighed and bowed his head, seeing for the first time the sand that has accumulated on his feet. And without even thinking, he held her hand.

“I’m not giving up this dream. Someday, somehow, we will be together,” he said softly.

“Maybe, we’re better off this way. We can still be friends anyway,” she replied.

“I’m still not giving up,” he insisted.

She sighed. “Okay. Suit yourself. Go ahead, she’s calling you already. See you around, piggy.”

“Definitely. Take care, tarsier. And eat well, okay?”

She laughed and signaled him to let go of her hand. Reluctantly, he did. She walked away from him while he stayed on to watch the ocean for a while. Both had tears on their eyes.

back to your dungeon

2011-12-30T20:02:00.000-08:00

Wasted is not the apt word to describe it but it’s more of emptiness. Emptiness that you begin to realize is there deeply-rooted inside you no matter what happens. You were in high spirits a while ago and in an instant, you’re down to being miserable the next. Why is that? Why feel forlorn all of the sudden? Why are you giving in to the miseries you do not even know existed? Then you start to think and then you assumed. There is this big hollow inside you. It has been there ever since you could remember. That no matter how many times these insignificant people will try to fill the void, your cup of life will always remain empty.

Next to emptiness is the sense of worthlessness. Many times you have wanted to shut your life and be gone. You feel sick being trapped with your too many ghosts inside a filthy dungeon. You are always dead beat to the point that you don’t want to wake up and see the sun anymore. What good is it to feel the sunlight in the first place? Everything around you is worthless. And that includes you. You belong to the dark because darkness is always your world. In there, nobody will find you; no one will ever search for you to begin with.

Then you slowly cover yourself with a cloak of numbness. Face it, it is the only outfit fit for you and nothing more. In that piece of garment, you hide and you seek solace; never wanting to look at those insignificant people for the longest time. Then you crawl back inside your dungeon and be one with your ghosts once again, thinking how was it that you have become such a lowly, sick and dim-witted infidel?

Then you step inside your home once again; manic depression welcoming you and embracing you tightly like it never want to let you go.

pathetic

2011-12-13T21:12:00.001-08:00

There are times when you find yourself staring blankly on the wall; thinking of things you don't even know or recall.

That you know something must be done to avoid the feeling of emptiness, but you just couldn't find the strength to save yourself so you remain to live your life in a mess.

How else would you describe such an existence? Pathetic.

unstable 2

2011-12-13T21:06:00.000-08:00

I am lost and the people I want to be with are not here with me. Where are you both? Dead to the world or pondering further on such a tragic circumstance? Which is which and who is who? That, I do know but there’s no need for me to elaborate on such obvious conditions. Distance might be your constant foe but one of you is thanking the heavens for that. Clipped wings are the sole reason why it couldn’t be pushed further but one of you is praying that those wings could still fly when the right time comes. Yours is a situation where everything is clear and understood, yet it remains impossible. Will your tragic kingdom be redeemed in the end? Only your decisions can answer that.

But then again, both of you are not here with me. Dead to the world or pondering further? I love you both, no matter what happens.

atypical

2011-12-13T20:36:00.000-08:00

Do you think me weird?
If so, then do not mind a bit.

Do you think me odd?

If yes, well then, be it!

Do my issues confuse you?

Those are the reasons for my silence.

Do you pity my imperfectness?

Don’t, it’s not gonna make a difference.

Do I annoy you that much?

To begin with, I am incredibly mad.

Do I make you clench your fist?

Well with sadness, I am fully clad.

So what do you want to call me now?

A seemingly bitch who is half-crazy?

What would you want to think of me?

A psychotic individual with a mind that’s hazy?

But then again, who cares what you think?

Not me, that, I can assure you.

Go run into your own perfect world then,

I am unwelcome, you are unwelcome too.

overthrown once again

2011-12-13T20:31:00.001-08:00

Last night, sadness slithered on my protective walls once again until it finally reached my heart and my soul. Because my strength was at the lowest level to begin with, there was no way for me to ignore its presence and block its entrance. It was persistent and I was defenseless, it only took me seconds to realize I was already overthrown; sadness won and now it reigns.

For the umpth time, I am back to this melancholic world. I have shed my tears but my heart is still aching; manic depression currently rips my soul apart. This situation is incredibly mind-blowing but I am used to it. I’ve tasted death so many times anyway…

adele's

2011-12-13T19:41:00.000-08:00

Out of the blue, I started hearing this song somewhere; melody at first, lyrics the next and the message afterward. It is such a depressing song. So depressing my thoughts flew from vibrant happiness to black and white sadness. Damn.

Watching the music video was more depressing. Adele’s “Someone Like You” is, I think, the most disheartening song I have ever heard. Geez…

unstable

2011-12-13T19:34:00.001-08:00

It is so sad to know of two people whom you thought are almost perfect for each other but just have to let go because it is the sanest and proper thing to do. Never mind the attraction; it is not enough. Never mind the resemblance; it is not a basis for having an ever-lasting relationship. Never mind the similar hobbies; it is not an assurance for happy endings. For now, it is not yet their time to shine since everything is still unstable. Maybe in the future then…

Maybe...Perhaps...Who knows? I love you both.

merely an outcast

2011-12-13T19:28:00.000-08:00

For her, happiness is just short-lived. Why is that? Is she cursed? Merely an outcast of this happy place called Contentment? She so much wanted to stay but there is always this dark cloud around her, enveloping her tightly and securely like it never wants to let go.

Hopeless, helpless, senseless. She’s so down she could almost feel the earth’s core. What a wasted, wasted life.

a blogger's blog

2011-12-13T19:23:00.000-08:00

For me, his name is almost synonymous to “blogging”. Undeniably, he is a nature-lover who happens to be a great writer, thus making his blog worthy to visit to. During our neophyte days in blogging, he is one of those few blogger friends who inevitably captured my attention and my interest. Later on, hundreds of bloggers, especially those who are into travel blogs, unceasingly visit his realm.

Equipped with his endless passion for writing and photography coupled with his interest to hone these skills further, I wouldn’t be surprised if THE TRAVEL TELLER (www.thetravelteller.com) became the WINNER during the recently-concluded PHILIPPINE BLOG AWARDS – MINDANAO 2011 held in General Santos City. Indeed, you have come a long way, Olan. Congratulations and as they say, keep up the good work.

You so deserve it, dude.

(Photograph was grabbed from Olan's FB page)

hunting for haunting

2011-12-06T08:28:00.001-08:00

While I was reading the summary of this book, which by the way, was introduced to me by this FB Page called English Literature, I couldn’t help recalling this horror film I’ve seen ages ago which stars Liam Neeson, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Owen Wilson. Who knows? Maybe The Haunting of Hill House which is a 1959 Shirley Jackson novel may be the same or similar to this 1999 Hollywood film The Haunting. I read further and searched the net further and indeed, this Hollywood movie is based on this classic literature. Even some of the character names are the same.

I remember being drawn to the movie but I was also constantly covering my eyes while watching it (I now realize that was way too embarassingly uncool!). Maybe because I was watching it on the big screen and the images and sound were like real it made me feel I was there inside the house. But stumbling upon this literature piece, it made me want to watch the movie once more. But then, being a book and horror lover, I am more interested to grab the book first.

Question: Is there such a book at National Bookstore or Fully-Booked? I wonder…

mourning

2011-12-06T08:19:00.000-08:00

Gone are the dreams and the hopes she has built centuries ago when everything around her was still sane and jovial. There was no perfect plan but she, at least, always had that positivity shadowing her every move and in every path she took. Once, everything looked promising and sanguine; neither a trace of despair nor drops of bitter tears were ever present. Life then was seamlessly grand.

But the once perfectly serene existence suddenly turned sorrowful. Embittered with life’s atrocities and disgraced by confusion and wrong choices in life, her once colorful world has turned gray, eventually turning black. And so, she allowed herself to be engulfed by darkness and there, she took solace.

What would become of her? She hasn’t got the slightest idea. For now, she is just mourning for the life she has lost.

never push it

2011-11-25T14:14:00.000-08:00

We hoped and we wished but we were thwarted in the end. And so we sobbed and we lamented but eventually got the courage to step forward once more. And as we begin to move on, what we desire is not anymore the fantasy we once had but to finally bury our foolishness on the ground.

There are times what we seek is never ours for the taking. Never forget the fact that circumstances sometimes, can never be undone.

a scene at the park

2011-11-20T08:37:00.000-08:00

It was the only vacant bench at the park and she wasn’t even sure if she really wanted to sit down or to continue heading back to where she was supposed to go. She stared at the bench for too long as if trying to examine each of its wooden bars slowly being covered with green molds. Where would she go in the first place? There was nothing left for her to hold on to and nothing can ever change that fact. This was the end of the line for her and no matter how much she wanted to hope and wish for something to happen, she knew deep inside, nothing can ever change this destiny fate has given her.

After minutes of debating with her mind, she sat on the bench and let out a stressful sigh. She rested her chin on the palm of her hands, closed her eyes and promised not to cry like some helpless five-year old kid who lost a newly-bought Barbie doll. In her case, she lost a Ken.

She was not chosen. Yeah, that was a bummer. What was painful was the fact that Kenneth chose his ex-girlfriend over her. What was worst was realizing later on that it was witnessed by a lot of people. She should have not attended that stupid party but Kenneth called her and invited her over. He even sounded desperate, pleading that she should go. He was pleading like he really wanted to see her and so she gave in, thinking that he wanted to patch things up. Instead, he made her look like an idiot in front of their friends and his family. That was really cruel. Did Kenneth do that on purpose? She wanted to slap his face big time! And yet, it was still difficult to hate him. She sighed again. Maybe she should slap her face first?

“Gail?”

She froze.

“Gail, I’m sorry. Why did you leave? I was looking all over for you?”

Why was it difficult to breathe all of the sudden? “Why the hell are you here? Haven’t you done enough damage already?”

“Gail, please, I’m sorry…it was a mistake…I made a mistake. All along I thought it was you I was pulling from that crowd---”

“Well obviously you pulled your ex-girlfriend’s hand---”

“Yeah and I realized it too late, I’m sorry! Both of you are wearing a red dress so I thought---”

She shot him an irritated look. “And that’s supposed to be my fault?!”

“Hey, did I say it was your fault?!”

“Then what are you saying?!”

“I was just saying that both of you are wearing a fuckin’ red dress so I thought it was your hand I was pulling and I thought I was running away from that fuckin’ ballroom with you! I thought it was you, Gail! I’m so stupid!!!”

“Yeah, you are stupid!”

“I just said that!”

“Well, I wanna say it again, you are stupid, Ken!”

“Yes. I. Am! And I’m sorry!”

She rested her chin on her palm once again and closed her eyes. She was hoping Kenneth would leave her alone but she wanted him to stay too.

“Look Gail, I’m really sorry. I really am.”

When she opened her eyes, it was Kenneth’s face she saw. She did not realize he was already kneeling in front of her.

“If it would make you feel better, you can slap me all you want right here, right now. I wouldn’t stop you.”

She raised her brow. “Really? You swear you won’t stop me?”

He looked worried all of the sudden. “Uhmm yeah…I swear…go ahead…”

She stared at him long and hard. Minutes ago, she was itching to slap his face. Maybe three or four slaps would do just fine. She smiled. Now is her chance. She would really do it. She sure will. Right now. Right at this minute…

He shut his eyes. “I’m ready…”

She sighed. And she shook her head. “Maybe I should slap myself…”

He smiled. “For what?”

“For not wanting to slap you, dammit.”

“Maybe we should kiss instead.”

“Maybe you should open your eyes first to make sure that you’re kissing me and not your ex-girlfriend.”

“That’s not funny, Gail.”

“It’s not supposed to be funny.”

He opened her eyes and stared at her. “Yeah, I’m sure of it. You’re the one I want.”

dark child

2011-11-18T01:36:00.000-08:00

Deep within the shadows of the darkest zone lays a dark child who never wants to soar high and touch the light. She sits but she never waits. She talks but only in a faint whisper. Most often she is mum but her mind is forever flowing with vivid and sometimes vague thoughts only she has the capacity to understand. What could be more joyful than stay hidden in the dark? It is her bliss to remain concealed in the shadows and be forever veiled with obscurity.

But then again, the dark child is never insignificant. Never. Because someone who is staying up above, forever communing with the light, regards her and her enveloped ideas of great importance. She is well-loved by that someone from the light. And in return, that someone is well-protected by the dark child’s overcast but never evil shroud to keep her away from unbearable pain and anguish.

The dark child and that someone from the light -- they are one. Always. Forever…

(For you, Jian. I love you.)

murky world

2011-11-17T03:33:00.000-08:00

There comes a time when you have to let your hair down and allow your emotional heart and confusing thoughts to control you even if you cannot think of any reasons for your perplexed and poignant state. There you are, down in the dumps but working your ass off like some stupid machine about to fall apart. You try to stay focus but one way or another, you slip and you fall and you want to stay longer in this murky world you have created.

And you let your hair down some more, maybe trying to conceal this gloomy and sinister persona you have allowed to take over.

(Photography : Christine Isip)

kulang pa rin

2011-11-12T23:31:00.000-08:00

Kahit ilang beses pa niyang pilitin ang sarili na maging masaya, alam niyang unti-unting nalulunod ang puso niya sa lungkot. Bakit nga ba siya nalulungkot? Wala naman dapat ikalungkot sa sitwasyon niya kung tutuusin. Mayaman siya. Nabibili niya ang lahat ng gusto niya in an instant at napupuntahan niya ang iba’t-ibang lugar na pwede niyang mapuntahan na hindi na kinakailangan pang pag-ipunan. When it comes to money, sky is the limit siya palagi. Laging meron at laging handa. Walang problema.

Pero bakit hindi pa rin siya masaya? Bakit hindi niya kayang tumawa o ngumiti man lang? Kasi ang taong sinisigaw ng puso niya; ang taong minahal niya nang ilang taon ay hindi pala para sa kanya. He belong to someone else and that someone else is definitely not her. Ang lupet naman talaga ng buhay. May datung ka nga, wala ka namang pag-ibig.

bummer

2011-11-12T16:40:00.001-08:00

Then, realization hit me…

No matter how much we try to hope and wish for this one thing to happen, there are just things that are best left unsaid and undone, not because we are not worthy to claim that happiness but simply because of the fact that it is never our happiness to begin with.

Not every want is boundless and achievable. If we are that lucky, we get what we want even if we haven’t asked for it yet. If we are semi-lucky, we get it after years of arduous hoping and wishing coupled with ardent prayers and optimism. But if luck is not on our side, realization will become our devoted visitor to remind us of this very painful truth – it is never meant to be.

We are truly helpless when fate dictates the limitations of our happiness. There are no buts, ifs, why nots and for-godsakes-pleases but only stay theres and don’t push its.

Such a bummer.

si red lips at si bully

2011-10-31T20:39:00.001-07:00

Uy, may naalala ako bigla.

Nangyari ito nung nasa elementarya pa ako. Grade 5? Grade 6? Hindi ko na maalala. Burado na ang memorya ko. Nasa kalagitnaan kami ng lecture. Wag niyo nang itanong kung anong subject dahil burado na rin iyon sa ala-ala ko. Katabi ko si Mr. Red Lips na isa sa mga pinagnanasaan ng mga girlalush noon. Pansin ko, mukhang mainit ang ulo. Sa di kalayuan, nandun nakaupo si Mr. Bully. Pansin ko rin, medyo nakakunot ang noo at wala sa mood. May nakaaway yata.

At dahil nawi-weewee ako nung oras na yun, dahan-dahan akong tumayo at balak sanang lumapit sa teacher para mag “May I go to the CR?” Pero hindi pa ako nakatatlong hakbang, bigla na lamang nagsalpukan si Mr. Red Lips at si Mr. Bully na para bang mga lecheng manok na pinagsabong! And I was literally trapped sa middle nila huh! Shet! Feeling ko tuloy ako ang pinag-aawayan ng dalawang kulugo na ‘to! At dahil nga I was trapped in the middle, pilit ko silang inawat.

Stop, stop! Ganun?

Naghiyawan ang buong klase. Mga lintek na ‘to! Imbes na awatin nila ang dalawang nagpapatayan, eh para lang silang nanunuod ng koreanobela! In the end, inawat ng teacher namin. Ano ba daw ang pinag-aawayan?

“Nanghiram ‘yan ng ballpen sa akin ma’am, hindi na binalik!” sabat ni Mr. Red Lips.

“Ma’am binalik ko ballpen niya, di lang niya maalala!” dahilan ni Mr. Bully.

Mga hinayupak! Ballpen lang pala ang dahilan??! Muntik na akong masuntok nang dahil lang sa isang ballpen??!! Feeling ko pa naman ako na si Helen of Troy, yun pala ballpen lang ang rason? Naman! Walang kapatawaran ang ka-cheap-an niyong dalawa ha! It’ so mababaw, mga dudes. So shallowly, alam niyo yun?

Teka, ano bang usong brand ng ballpen nung panahon na yun? Bic? Scribbler? Panda? Parker? Shoshyal! Ah basta ang alam ko, uso nun ang notebooks na mukha ng artista ang cover. Uy naalala ko na naman bigla! Puro pala Aga Mulach ang notebooks ko noon. Wahahahaha! Putragism naman.

nature's embrace

2011-10-31T20:17:00.000-07:00

Once again, I have communed with nature and this time, I stayed on a little bit longer. It was not really my intention to reflect since I am no way fond of doing some soul-searching but being one with the sea, the sky and the wind made me retrace my steps a little and hoped for a more sensible existence a lot. Why is it when one comes close to nature, it inevitably makes one think of his past and his future?

I was not born to be a sucker for outdoor activities; nature lover is not something I could boast of and could identify with. Although I have the tendency to like road trips, I am still at the lowest level when it comes to being adventurous. But during this recent not-so-adventurous adventure at some resort in Samal, somehow I got to taste what it feels like to be with nature’s embrace. At least, when I am no longer here on earth, I could tell God that at some point in my life, I was able to dance with nature, swaying and singing along to the soft and finest tunes of the wind.

As I watched my kids playing in the sand and swimming in shallow waters, I, too, allowed myself to get wet even for the fact that I detest being splashed with the sea’s salty waters. Instead of being aloof, I tried to commune with nature, watching along the horizon from afar and staring a lot on the different formations of the clouds. It was actually on that situation when I began to think, feel, reflect and reminisce; my pyramid of thoughts started building once again and it kept on and on and on until such time I could not anymore recall the thoughts that I was thinking. Pretty annoying and creepy, actually.

But perhaps the very best moment I had while making love with nature was when the rain started to pour down. I felt the salty breeze all over me giving me goosebumps and sweeping my already damp hair away from my also damp face. For a moment I felt alive and blissful feeling the wind’s cool and gentle kisses as well as the sun’s warm and comforting embraces. I dunno, but that scenario was like telling me that in every storm that comes our way, God will surely envelope us with His warm love.

Now, did I assume that thought? No, I felt it. Being close to nature, I realize, is damn pretty amazing.

she's now an angel

2011-10-24T08:22:00.000-07:00

Today, a beautiful 10-year old girl will be departing. Finally, she will bid farewell to those people whom she has shared precious moments with but with a promise that she will see them again someday, somehow and somewhere in God’s time. Maybe a part of her does not want to leave yet but being very sick at a very young age would have made her understand that life, no matter how precious, must be surrendered if it is God’s will. And so in the end, she has learned to let go without bitterness and hatred inside her heart. I know so, because I have felt it while I was reading two of her entries inside her diary.

I have never thought she was a strong girl. I could never even be sure if she was really born to be a fighter like her mother or maybe her sickness eventually made her exceptionally brave and optimistic. If you are a 5 year old kid and then Cancer starts to eat you up, what would you do? How would you think? What would be your outlook in life? Would it make you brave or resentful? In this little girl’s case, she would have probably thought of giving up but incredibly, she was able to pull it through for five years. For a five-year old kid, I find her strength pretty amazing. But most of all, I find her optimism and her faith to God remarkable and thought-provoking.

So today, a beautiful and courageous 10-year old girl will finally leave this earth to be in a place where nothing can hurt her anymore; only happiness can ever fill her young and innocent heart. Physical pain will be replaced by bliss; hospital tubes will be replaced by soft pure-white wings; tears will be replaced by saintly smiles; hospital gowns will be replaced by dainty white robes. Today, this little girl will fly up to heaven for she has now become an angel.

So long Chariz. Rest in peace now, child.

so i say...

2011-10-24T02:33:00.001-07:00

(Art by Duda Daze)

Others would say daydreaming is worthless, time-consuming and pathetic. But true artists would say it is beneficial, enlightening and precious because the best and brightest ideas to create a work of art are born out of it.

i am fat. so what's that to you?

2011-10-21T01:38:00.000-07:00

I am fat. So what’s that to you? I appreciate people who tell me that I should trim down because they want me to be healthy for the sake of my two wonderful kids. Believe me, I appreciate those kinds of gabs or comments or suggestions. I don’t consider them an insult neither a compliment but just words of wisdom from people whom I know truly care.

But there are those who were born to be rude; having their lungs full of dirty, abusive and sarcastic thoughts and words. These are people who are breathing not oxygen but insults. And I know those people. One look at them, I would know they belong to “good for nothing” ones. Someone I should not take seriously because of the fact that they’re full of crap and their brainwaves are inconsequentially dull.

I am fat and you are…well, thin and good-looking? So what’s that to me? I would rather be fat and be talented, bubbly and witty than be thin who only sits at works, talk to officemates, sleep, eat, walk around and sits at work again. You’re probably thin but you’re so incredibly insignificant. I am no beauty but my thoughts are way too deep than yours. And that’s the only thing that matters.

Being fat is no crying matter. Existing without any single talent is hopeless and depressing. I'm sorry but you belong to the latter.

longing for peace

2011-10-08T20:48:00.000-07:00

How many years have I lingered outside his gates? I long to see him face to face and be with him through eternity. How many years have I lived with a tormented soul? There’s not a thing that nor anybody who can fill the void or satiate my hunger for that blissful sanctuary. And how many more years will I ever spend carrying this load so heavy it makes my heart ache and my mind sick?

I am still lingering outside his gates. Will I ever get the chance to be with PEACE? I wonder...

into the tunnel

2011-10-01T21:06:00.000-07:00

I’ve been thinking a lot lately and it’s scaring me shitless because even for a fact that what I am pondering isn’t really life-threatening, my credibility, reputation and loyalty on the other hand, will surely be painted with black by some people I have worked with. But who says life can be wonderfully perfect at all times? Especially when one is chasing one’s dreams, who the devil would expect a smooth-sailing travel?

I refuse to think I’m in a mess; another dilemma I could not sink my teeth in to. But the amazing thing is, it may be scary but I can already see and feel the light at the end of this tunnel. I am neither confused nor disheartened. In fact, with this predicament I am in, I know for sure I will have a clearer and much better direction after. What I really need is the courage to cross the bridge.

But now, I’m still in my crossing-my-fingers stage.

hushed

2011-10-01T01:57:00.001-07:00

What they have is a hushed circumstance. No one knew about it, no one suspected, thus, no one cared to dig deeper. They are like two thieves in the night, cautious and soundless every time they cross each other’s path. They never look into each other’s faces nor exchange a couple of words; not even the faintest smile is willingly given. But deep inside though, something is brewing the moment they knew they are on the same perimeter. Mixed emotions start and it is always inevitable but controlled. Butterflies begin to do their dance inside their stomachs, fluttering and quivering almost at the same time of the thud-thumping of their hearts. Strange, but some inexplicable current heats up their whole body which would then result to total numbness. But the beating of their hearts stay strong and that too, is controlled.

Everything is just a façade. It is like being in a stage play where everything is just pretend. From the audience’s vantage point, nothing is peculiar and everything is just the way it should be. No slight hints or unusual performances are allowed to pass through the eyes and brains of the audience that would spark their curiosities and interests. So as not to let loose of their shared secret, everything should be controlled and discreet. And that is just always the case.

It doesn't matter, they always say. Because even if the eyes could not see, the presence is very much felt. And even if the ears could not hear the palest whisper of sweet nothings, the manifestation is very well sensed. In the first place, it is not what one sees nor hears that matter, but what one feels.

a rat in a cage

2011-09-28T01:55:00.000-07:00

For some reason you want to slash your wrist and put a crack on your skull but you start to ask yourself, is there nothing else less boring than that? Then an idea hit you! Why not slash somebody else’s wrist and smash their too-airy heads to a wall and leave them savoring their last moments alone? But you ask yourself again, what would that make you? A psycho killer?

Oh well. If you hate somebody, just pretend they’re pigs about to be butchered.

"pat in the back"

2011-09-24T06:12:00.000-07:00

Musta na?

I dunno. Lost in my own space.

Stay strong.

Uhmm…I’m about to let go.

Hold on…

I’m tired…

…thus the conversation of two people through Facebook chat last night. Two friends who started on the wrong foot during their college years and later turned into best buddies in the end. One decided to huff and puff abroad while the other stayed put. One was living with enthusiasm while the other was dead-beat with life. These are two people living a little too far away from each other yet the warmth and the “pat in the back” is without end.

Boundless empathy. That’s the true color of friendship.

I miss you Ervz.

no ordinary love

2011-09-24T05:57:00.000-07:00

Oh now I remember you. Even with only my vaguest memories of your existence, for some reason I remember you. There were three of you then. One was ugly because of her deformed mouth, the other, a playful lass and a chatterbox while the third girl was the silent type. Eerily silent, that is, who would only stare at me the whole time. Even if you won’t confirm it, I am so sure you were that third girl. You see, I can feel it.

Creepy, it took me almost 40 years to realize that. But then again, who could blame me? I never thought you would stay. Of the three, you were the least person I would have expected to hold on to me. The ugly and the chatterbox were long gone; eventually disappearing without me realizing it. I thought you have taken your leave too. I even thought you were the first who stormed out of my life but I was wrong. I was completely wrong. You have stayed inside me all this time and you manifested yourself when you felt I am about to crumble.

Most of the time, you are still eerily silent but at least you have learned to communicate with me. I still could not recognize your voice but I am now familiar with the way you think. That touch of oddness is, I guess, a part of you already and you told me there’s nothing I could do about it. Hell, I never said I want you to be normal and happy-looking. Believe me, I want you and love you for what and who you are. Honest.

Thanks for sticking with me, Jian.

so i say...

2011-09-21T23:23:00.001-07:00

What are we to seek if we do not know what we want to find in the first place? To dream of something is to make sure that the dream is what the heart truly desires.

irked

2011-09-21T23:16:00.000-07:00

There is this someone who had a big heart to make me feel I am not really capable when it comes to writing news articles. Exacts words were never really said but blimey, I can very well take a hint. Well maybe that someone had a point. In the first place, I never boasted nor claimed I am a pro when it comes to writing straight news. In fact, I detest writing such articles. Honest. I really do. But because I am a Mass Communications graduate, my professors would have taught me the basics. And because I’ve been doing it for the past thirteen years, somehow I already know the rules. Surely.

Never think I am sourgraping here nor am I feeling bitter because of what was said. But wouldn’t it be good if criticisms are said in a nice way instead of making unnecessary side comments? Surely, it’s one way of attaining world peace. And wouldn’t it be more professional-like if criticisms are said in private instead of spitting it out in front of people? It was a slap in the face. Totally.

A part of me wants to stop writing. I am even contemplating on the idea of erasing my blogs and spend time reading loads and loads of books instead. But a small voice deep within is trying to tell me to stop being so rubbish. I dunno. That someone's words really made me feel stupid, unworthy or something.

crashed, burned and tired

2011-09-20T03:17:00.001-07:00

Maybe I have come to the point where I don’t want to be bothered and be confused with my crossroads anymore. Maybe I have learned to convince myself that the truth of the matter is, there is no point of sulking and be disheartened with what has been going on in my life. What’s the use of pouting for the tragedy that has already come to pass? Why be afraid of what would come next or of people who threatens the core of my sanity? Why be bothered if there are people who wants me to be miserable all the time or be dead forever? Those are just people, way too different from what I am.

I am not a true-blooded artist nor am I a writer. My eyes have read a lot of books but there are still millions of books I am not familiar with. My ears are one with the music but there are songs that I have difficulty of comprehending. I am not dull nor am I intelligent. I can be rational but there are times I am having my episodes, living, breathing and swallowing a manic depression state.

I do not want to say that I have become stronger. Rather, I am just too tired of being sensitive with my every crash and burn drama and heeding to the angst that follows after it. Blow by blow, I was beaten and crashed to the bone but amazingly, there is still this small amount of courage that’s left inside, thus, I always find the strength to walk on. Humiliate me, bully me and poke me in the head, still you will find me standing. Weak but standing.

I choose to ignore even though it will take a lot of effort to do so. If lightning strikes me, I am not anymore a fish out of the sea, squirming and panting with fear and worry. Those, I realized, were unnecessary. Why cry over spilled milk? It’s there, it’s done and it’s over.

I am not strong. Rather, just tired.

the 37th

2011-09-11T09:57:00.000-07:00

Well what d’you know, it’s my effin’ birthday. I am leaving the number thirty-seven behind to take a grasp on the thirty-eight without having the slightest idea what this number would offer me. Numbers, in the first place, come and go without me knowing it. Whether I like it or not, moving forward is the only way to go. I stayed and now I have to take leave to conquer the unknown.

But what did the number thirty-seven offer me? Well for one, it made me realize that oftentimes the more the age increases, the harder the road will be. If my 37th would have been etched in a paper, the poor manuscript would have been soaked in black blotches like some kid had the pleasure of playing his ink bottle in some crumpled document.

Those were darker times. And it was in those moments I have learned to take my sanity seriously; whether I am still at the brink of the reasonable or maybe falling at the pit of absurdity. The answer came later. I’m still debating though if I should see a shrink or let this manic depression eat me whole.

But I had a fair share of happy moments too. Writing keeps me happy even though sometimes it feeds my lunacy. But because it is the most effective outlet I have, I write nonstop just to make me get the better of my topsy-turvy and eccentric thoughts. Then came the ‘significant other’ who had a dark past and is still groping her way in darkness, the way she likes best. She started creeping inside me and I have allowed her to have a taste of my existence. Two souls in one body; two different beings co-existing without trouble.

So what will the number thirty-eight be like? If I, for the love of God, will be having the same rocky and very confusing road with faltering sanity, I am doomed. But I have learned to love the darker side of me so what gives if I am to stay in this uncanny abyss?

I will be eating my birthday cake now. Thank you to those people who greeted me. It was such a delight reading your good wishes.

the bloody hell i care

2011-09-07T09:04:00.000-07:00

I am not what you call a confrontational person the reason why I am always choosing to zip my mouth every time an ogre pass my way and drop smutty remarks or feint an obviously sarcastic act in front of me. It's not that I don't have the guts to talk back or take part of their drama but it is more of not wanting to spend even a little amount of my precious time and energy to be as brainless and ill-mannered as the ogre. In short, not wanting to take part of such useless tongue-clashing tragedy has something to do with me not wanting to look like a fool or be a total idiot.

Just recently, an ogre passed my way. Maybe because I am totally unpopular on its list of fake plastic friends, I saw it smirk before purposely passing in front of me so I can see its facial expression painted with pure distaste. As if I bloody care. It continued to walk its way with a gait that seemed to mock me out of my wits. But then again, as if I bloody care. I kept my cool and kept mum about it; not even a brow was raised. For me, an ogre is an ogre. And ogres are meant to be brainless and boorish. So let it be.

But then again, even with a zipped mouth, the mind was highly operating. Of course it did. I started to imagine (or maybe hoping and praying) that a superpower bolt of lightning will strike the ogre's head right there in front of me. The thought made me smile a little. Legendary! That would be very cool. Of course, no bolt of lightning came to smack the beast. Too bad. But because I am capable of having vivid imaginations, the scenario that my mind created made me stay in my most cheerful mood. Too bad for the ogre.

So nothing happened. No stage show of toungue-slashing and face-slapping between an ogre and a beautiful Queen (duh!), neither an intelligent squabble between the Witless and the Intellectual (duh for the second time). But in my imagination though, the ogre was toast! Super-duper to the highest level toasted by the mighty lightning of Zeus. Who could ever forget such a wonderful scenario?

rio

2011-09-05T00:32:00.000-07:00

One day I would want to visit Rio and get to taste the life out there amid the hustle and bustle of its city streets, the narrow and over-populated lanes flanked with crudely-built houses and the friendly samba-loving and football-addict people greeting me with their outlandish yet sexy Portuguese tongue. And if luck is on my side, I would want to visit Rio in time of their Mardi Gras Festival and get to feel the exciting and bizarre atmosphere of their carnival, dancing the night away with samba, samba and more samba! Of course, I would never dare forget to grab me some of those different-colored pearl necklaces after the parade.

But of all the things I would want to see inside Rio is the majestic, very popular, heart warming and spiritually-provoking Christ the Redeemer statue or Cristo Redentor in Portuguese. This said statue is located at the peak of the 2,300 feet Corcovado Mountain in the Tijuca Forest National Park and is the symbol of Christianity in Rio and Brazil.

Rio de Janeiro is the second largest city of Brazil. Christ the Redeemer is the World’s 5^th largest statue of Jesus Christ and is one of the New Seven Wonders of the World. Surely, this is one place worth spending the holidays, huh? Just don’t forget to bring the camera!

psychotic

2011-09-02T15:40:00.000-07:00

What’s up? I do not know. What is going on? I haven’t got the slightest idea. My eyes are droopy while a million and one thoughts are piling up on my mind once again. I want to lay my head on my pathetic pillow and dream of some pathetic dreams but my mind insists of staying up late tonight. No way, I say. Yes way, my mind retorts. I am your master, I say a matter-of-factly. But I’m more powerful than you, my stupid mind answers back. WTF! Do I sense a psychotic mind up there? Am I to walk in the valley of manic depression once again?

I need a shrink. A real shrink, that is. It seems my ‘I-am-my-own-shrink’ belief does not apply to me anymore. Geez. Help? Anyone?

pyramid of thoughts

2011-08-24T02:09:00.001-07:00

My pyramid of thoughts never ceases to amaze me for the fact that even though all these crazy notions were just born out of boredom and too often manic state, I still find myself thinking how the hell was I able to come up with such foolish and senseless self-made beliefs sometimes I could not help doubting the state of my sanity anymore.

There are times my mind lavishes on things that have something to do with extreme loathing and with a blink of an eye, all these aversions evaporate to thin air only to be replaced with intense exhilaration. And there are those instances when all I could ever think about was how to maintain a positive outlook in life, encouraging me to do things I haven’t tried before but in just a snap, that wall of confidence crumbles to dust leaving me tired, crappy and close to being dead.

It’s easy to build a pyramid of thoughts but it has a catch. It will fly you to any direction it wants oftentimes you cannot control its wings anymore. It is a journey without a destination, a tour without a map to guide you. You float around, those thoughts fogging your mind, until such time you start to believe on the things that your mind is telling you. And if you are not careful enough, these thoughts will grab you and eat you whole, taking your soul at the pit of nowhere sane and blithe.

Creepy? Nah, not really.